Thursday, January 28, 2010

Under A Spell

I was driving the car when it hit me: not a rock- a thought. I was looking for someone. I was fifteen when we met and I remember that moment perfectly. I remember the first time I saw him: our eyes locked and that was it. We were together for almost four years.

I want that again. I have been wondering if that is what we are all looking for: our first love? When we say we are picky, we are not, really, we just say that because we are looking for something specific. We are looking for something we had and lost and want to find again.

I can’t speak for everyone, but I am pretty sure about myself. I have noticed that I am attracted to men who have similar characteristics. I loved his green eyes and long dark hair. I love faces that appear strong and defined, certain smiles and sexy walks. There have been two men who have reminded me of how I used to feel- of what made me happy. I glowed around them, but these men were strangers and the comfort I felt with them was unrealistic and naive. I wonder if the desire they felt, if real, for me was just a reflection of my own nostalgia. Perhaps they were only reacting to my own fantasy. After all, maybe I looked or behaved like nothing like what they were looking for.

The first man I loved was protective, loving and handsome. This is what I remember about him. Most importantly, he adored me and I adored him back. Relationships, it seems, are so much complicated now. Of course they are; we are older. There are so many tests to pass, stages to go through and feelings to interpret. I have let people go and men have let me go in return. We want that ‘spark’, that same spark we once had and lost.

Can that spell be broken? I don’t know. Are many of us still under it? I think so. I know I am not in love with the man, I am attached to the feeling. It is something I want to relive and experience again. He made me feel safe and loved and that is what I miss.

I suppose when it is right, two people hold on. They are seduced from the possibilities of what the other can provide or simply drawn in by some seductive lust. We all have our reasons; some more reasonable than others. If someone lets you go, why try to persuade him to stay? Let them go so they can find what they desire and long for. After all, they might still be under a heavy spell.